I was fortunate to have a relationship with a wonderful man. He is handsome, smart, classy, educated, knowledgeable about social justice issues and much more. He's the type of guy who will send me a care package during exams, have my favorite champagne ready on a restaurant table, and make me breakfast in bed. These are the kind of stories I read about in Seventeen magazine when I was younger, amazed that the stories were real. His name is Anthony and we stayed together for almost a year. While there were perfect moments, it was a long, terrifying time for me because while he was amazing, I realized I couldn't be with him forever and it was the hardest thing to admit.
When I first met Anthony, I saw our different approaches to life. He pays attention to detail, strives for stability, and wanted to be engaged after graduating from college. I, on the other hand, have traveled abroad, can get interested in almost anything, and will call you a friend after just 10 minutes of conversation, provided you're nice to me. Anthony and I only got to know each other for a week before we had to go back to our normal lives in different cities, so we never discussed a relationship. Well, the sparse texts turned into long phone calls that escalated to Skype almost every night, and while he never pushed it, I knew Anthony wanted a commitment. Finally we talked about it, but I hesitated.
I was even since that first week. I didn't want to be in a long-distance relationship, I was planning to move after my upcoming graduation, and I wanted to explore my newfound right to sexual expression (Catholic guilt had a firm grip on me for a while). I told him all that. But despite the hesitation, I gave him the promise. I mean, that's what you should do when you meet someone you love, right? You make a date, put a label on it and see where it goes. Maybe my hesitation was just nervousness and I would get over it later. Unfortunately not and it drove me insane.
When we went on trips to be together everything was great! All I thought about was him and how blissful it was to be with him. But when we were apart, I felt like I had stepped out of a spell that was keeping me blindly in love, and I couldn't stop the feeling of coming out of the relationship from returning. There seemed to be no reason for me to want to get out. Anthony was amazing! I mean, did you read the first paragraph?! what made it worse Everyone loved him. My parents, my teachers, my friends, even random people.
They started making insinuations about marriage, and while Anthony graciously accepted them, I wanted to run away. You see, Anthony would have gotten married. He was two years out of college, had no debt, and his brother-in-law and sister-in-law recently had their first child. My life was like Eat, Pray, Love, just a college edition. I had a great man, but I didn't want the life everyone kept telling me. I felt confused, trapped and haunted. Everyone was pushing me in a direction I didn't want to go, but my life just went on. Should I just agree and marry Anthony because he's awesome even if I'm not ready yet? Would I be stupid if I let him go? "He's amazing, remember?!" I would scream at myself in my head.
At some point I couldn't lie to myself anymore. While the breakup hurt, holding back my feelings and being in limbo about what to do made it even worse. I had to move on with the life I envisioned. So if you're in that situation, here are some things I learned that I wish someone had told me.
It's okay if you don't want to marry him. Yes, he's a great guy, but just because he's great doesn't mean he's "the one" or that you'll automatically be happy.
1.Yes, you deserve to be happy. And yes, you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy even when they're gone.
2.If you're not sure why you don't want to marry him, that's okay too. We can't explain why we're attracted to certain people and not others, so why are we asked to explain why we can't marry someone?
3.Don't feel guilty that you couldn't give him the rest of your life. If you marry him with hesitation, you cannot give him your whole self and he deserves that. You also deserve to feel good about giving someone your all.
4.Read the above again until you really get it. Acknowledging and accepting this is powerful. It's self-affirming and it will save you both heartache. Once you start talking to him, you won't feel so bad for taking action and being honest. If he really is a great man, even if he's heartbroken, he'll appreciate that you were honest and didn't prolong the relationship.
5.You deserve to follow your dreams. You deserve to live the life you want and you deserve to know that you had the courage to live that life and to stand up for yourself too.
6.Don't listen to other people saying you're stupid for letting him go. You're the only one who has to live with the decision, so you're the only person who has a role in that decision. Choosing who to marry is a big deal. It changes the course of your life and if you're not happy with the possible direction, don't do it.
7.you will find someone else I had this horrible thought that if I broke up with Anthony, I would never find anyone who would be so thoughtful again. After a while I realized that this was a stupid thought. It's normal when someone cares for you that they do nice things for you and vice versa. Before I found Anthony, I was worried about the same thing after breaking up with a previous man, but then it turned out that Anthony was even better off.
8.Trust that no matter how much this wonderful man loves you, he will keep going.
9.Believe in yourself that you will continue too. No, it won't be easy because of course you have feelings for each other. how could you not But if deep down you know you don't want to do this, take a step back and eventually things will get better.
So girl, even if he's almost perfect, it's okay if you don't want to marry him. You will find someone great again. Just like all those stories in Seventeen magazine, there are a lot of cute boys out there. Don't be afraid to chase your dreams, and if someone comes along and you're ready for it, then they're lucky.
Read this: 23 Things Girls Earn From The Guy They Date
Read This: Why I Don't Regret Getting Married (But I Regret Having a Husband)
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It's okay if you don't want to marry him. Yes, he's a great guy but just because he's great doesn't mean that he's “the one” or that you will automatically be happy.Is it possible to love someone but not want to marry them? ›
Moreover, if you're positive that you never want to get married one day, that's 100% OK, too. Above all, communicate your feelings and intentions as directly as possible. Ending a relationship with someone you love can be very challenging.How do you know if I should not marry him? ›
- When you imagine your future together, you imagine him or her changing in a LOT of ways. ...
- Your S.O. is mean to you. ...
- You're afraid of being alone. ...
- You don't feel like yourself when you're with your partner. ...
- Your friends and family don't like your better half.
You feel marriage comes with too many rules and expectations. There are expectations that come with marriage that may push people to not want to get married. There are some antiquated and problematic tropes that come with getting married, akin to your sex life declining or your freedom being limited.Can someone love you and not want to marry you? ›
He may love you fully and completely, but still not want marriage. If he's treating you well, committed to you, and doing the things he says he'll do, his love for you is probably real. He may have a good explanation for why he doesn't want to get married. He also may just not want to, and that's okay, too.What are cold feet about marriage? ›
What Does it Mean to Have Cold Feet? When people talk about cold feet before a wedding, they are referring to pre-wedding jitters or second thoughts about whether they really want to get married.